WAKING THE DEAD
EUGENE, SIR: I have no idea who to ask about this and I do not dare ask anyone, so I’ll ask you. I met a guy through Tinder. He was cute. It was a hookup. We had a great time. He ejaculated on my chest. A good night. A few days later, I developed a rash where he had ejaculated and it wouldn’t go away. I go to the doctor, they run some tests, and the doctor says that what I have is a parasite. But it’s a parasite that they see only on people who “work” with animals or “work” with dead people. The Tinder guy works in a mortuary. Does this mean he was also having sex with corpses? I haven’t called or responded to his emails and I couldn’t ask the doctor. I don’t want to have sex with a man who has sex with dead people, but maybe this could just be a mistake? — Name withheld by request
Dear DOA: You know, you had me at “parasite.” I have to say, as far as I am concerned, and you can call me old-fashioned, that’s a deal breaker. And the possibility of him contracting this parasite via sex with animals or sex with corpses? How’d we even get into the knee-deep muck of this kind of monstrousness? Look, nothing that is human should be a stranger to us, but the human is sometimes pretty strange. And if you’re imagining you’re going to be the good woman that saves him from a lifetime of mortuary-slab sex, well, good for you, but since you’re writing to an advice columnist, I’ll give you some advice: This is a bullshit urban legend that was debunked almost a decade ago.
So nice try, but you know we reject no query and no premise and consider all comers. Fooling us, though, is like trying to fool Mother Nature: There’s no point to it. Read about fake parasites and fake sex and be glad that the former don’t exist and the latter, well, that’s between you and your conscience.
SUSPICIOUS LESBIAN MINDS
EUGENE, SIR: I am bi. But it seems like I can’t fuck with girls who only like girls, which is the only demographic of girls that I like. I was just dumped by my most recent girlfriend, and I felt this weird animosity the whole time I was with her. She was pretty sensitive, and vindictive, and eventually I learned it was because I have also liked men. She was mad. I’ve only been supercool to her and I liked HER for her. So why this obsession with my past with men? — RG
Dear Rocket Grenade: To a certain degree, I find myself looking at any and all romantic entanglements as breeding and biological jockeying for position and placement. So it’s better to compete against 3.5 billion people — or approximately half the population of planet Earth — than it is to compete against 7 billion. To this end, when faced with the prospect that your lover has doubled their chances/opportunities to upend your life? Well, you might be a little cranky too.
But your argument skirts an important philosophical angle of attack: Is there a qualitative difference in how you’re dumped? I mean, considering that you are being left, does it really make much of a difference whether it’s a man or a woman that your lover leaves you for?
In general? No. However as breakups cause random re-examinations and ruminations, in your ex’s case, she had to make a decision: When this thing ends, as inevitably many do, do I want to spend the rest of my post-breakup maudlin time imagining that while she was with me, she’d really rather have been with someone with a penis? You have her answer, so the issue is where do you go to find lesbians who lust for bi-women, and I profess to being stumped by this, outside of knowing in a very general way that if you don’t ask for what you want, you’re unlikely to get what you need. Good luck.
THE LIFE OF A 5
EUGENE, SIR: Is there such a thing as men with a fetish for unattractive women? I don’t think I’m unattractive, but I’ve been hit on recently by men who are much better-looking than me, and I was wondering if it was some new trend or something? — Humbly Bragging
Dear Humbug: I’ve heard tell of this Handsome Man–Ugly Woman Syndrome, something I had heretofore thought was also called Last Call. I’ve heard of it and I’ve seen it, but the only reason this surprises is because being handsome is like having money in the bank. And if you have lots of money in the bank, why spend it on something shoddy? Well, first of all, beauty is only skin deep. Second, maybe we’ve hit on something with the bank analogy and the increased possibility that she might earn more than he does. In other words, Sugar Mamas who, by dint of their increased financial status, demand second looks from guys largely held to be out of their “league.” But who are, well, broke.
Things change all the time, and relationships are sometimes dark and semi-mysterious things. Maybe it’s love. Maybe it’s lust. Maybe it’s real and your cynicism is what’s out of place here. Maybe you’re much more attractive than you’re giving yourself credit for. Maybe you’re great in bed.
Who knows? Not me. But what I do know is this: best to enjoy the best of times without morbid self-examination. Try this on for size: See if you can change your worldview. Just a little. And embrace the idea that you “look” just fine.
